, Mr and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages   
        And we worry about our mortgages

Hi, Mr and Mrs. Clinton.  Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan
Greenspan.
No, no relation sorry to say.  May I call you Bill and Hillary?  Fine, first lady
Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place,four-something acres as I recall.
That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down--that's $440,000--leaving a
mortgage of $1,760,000.  No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time.  
Now let's have a look at your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of
course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year.  We recommend buying a house 
that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary.  That means 
you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick 
rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so.  What will you do then?
Open  a library.  In Little Rock. Arkansas. 
Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.


Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right?  Senators are paid $130,000
a year--assuming, of  course, she's elected--so even with your pension you're
still  looking at a house in the $825,000 range.  Maybe a nice center hall
colonial where the schools aren't so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct?  But
you did some volunteer work, I see.  You came up with a plan to overhaul the
entire national health care system? I see.   It flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.  How about this
Whitewater Development Corp.?  It went bankrupt.  And Madison Guaranty?
Bankrupt.  And Castle Grande?  Bankrupt, too.  If you had gone to Yale
business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back.  
Don't get upset.  It was just a little joke.


A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners
went to jail.
Maybe you could get your money back.

This is an embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after
all, affect your ability to pay:  Any problems in your marriage? No?  Fine.

Let's look at your assets:  $1.5 million. Not bad.  Yes,yes, Mr. Clinton,
we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--oh!--those
liabilities.  
You owe $5.5 million.  That means you're $4 million in the hole.  How do you 
expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund?  
So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses.  A kid at Stanford had got to be setting you 
back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares.  And she wants
to go to medical school?  Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton,  there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in
court.  I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work.  Say, how do
we know you're not lying on you loan application?  Good point. It would look
a lot better if you were lying.  Are there any other legal matters we should
know about?

You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much
in the clear indictment- wise.  What does that mean?  You don't think--don't
think--she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap.
But we're not totally sure, right?  That means there's a remote possibility
--note that I say "remote"--that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76
million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the
feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation.  One of you is now unemployed and the other one
soon will be.  You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone
is going to come along and pay.  
You have a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", 
plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems.  
Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations!  Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've got
your mortgage!

Isn't that what happened when you applied for your mortgage?  Don't all
mortgage companies operate that way?  Maybe you just got the wrong one.
 
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