Some deep thoughts   
        Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
reason."

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me
a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
the face.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant and
she fell on me.  Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs
in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea
but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good
books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks
out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait.  I guess that's
like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I
bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe
me?

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you
think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust
me, it's not.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd
look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out
in that."

Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not
add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls
a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a
documentary.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and
nobody got scared.

 
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